Life for Dummies - Chapter 1 Part 2

Life for Dummies
Stumpy & Panda's Manual for Life

Chapter 1: Appropriate Attire (Part 2)

Business Attire

Business attire is typically split into two categories, business formal and business casual.  Business formal is generally reserved for those working closely with high level executives, law offices, public relations, things of that nature.  Business casual can be very diverse, depending on the environment, and can range from a well tailored pair of trouser jeans to dress slacks and a nice blouse.  This section will discuss the entire spectrum of appropriate business attire.

To begin, we will list the things that are absolutely prohibited in the work place, and when we say work place, we mean any office or retail work place, most of our rules do not apply to the occupations within the sex industry, including strippers, prostitutes, or porn stars.

The following items are never appropriate business attire:

¨           Ribbed Tank Tops

¨           Metallic Shoes

¨           Clear Shoes (this includes shoes with a clear heel)

¨           Shoes with Rhinestones

¨           Dresses found in or near the bathing suit section at Target

¨           Boob shirts one would wear to a dance club on Saturday nights

¨           Halter Tops

¨           Tube Tops

¨           Anything from Hot Topic, Wet Seal, Charlotte Russe, or Forever 21 (unless you work at one of these stores)

¨           Prom Dresses or any other formal wear

¨           Cocktail Dresses

¨           Suits (or most anything) found in the Juniors department at JC Penny

¨           Jumpers or Rompers

¨           Jean Jackets

¨           Jean Dresses

¨           Torn or ripped clothing, even if it is considered “designer tears”, it is still not appropriate (if you own these sort of items, throw them away or get them repaired, it is fucking inexcusable to wear them)

¨           Leggings or Jeggings of any kind

¨           Shorts

¨           Mini Skirts (any skirt that does not pass the finger tip test, meaning if your skirt does not pass your fingertips when your arms are resting at your sides, it is too fucking short – throw it away)

¨           Pajamas of any kind, especially pajama jeans

¨           Overalls

¨           Sweats, even black ones that you feel could “totally pass for dress pants”

¨           Hooded sweaters or sweatshirts

¨           Most anything that requires a draw string to keep on

¨           Most shirts or sweaters with a zipper

¨           Any item of clothing that requires a safety pin to keep your tits from being exposed

¨           Pants that are so long that you stapled them up (just fucking hem them)

¨           Maxi dresses

¨           See through clothing of any kind

¨           Wet hair (blow dryers are easy to use and relatively cheap – buy one)

General rules for all business attire

¨           Your clothes should always fit.  If we can see the outline of your cheesy ass cheeks through your pants, your pants are too fucking tight.  If you have a massive muffin top falling over your waist band, your pants are too fucking tight; adding a pretty shirt in attempts to cover your muffin top does not make you a cute cupcake, buy new fucking pants.  If your pants do not reach the top of your shoe, your pants are too fucking short.  If you have to staple or pin your pants to keep them from dragging on the ground, your pants are too fucking long.  If your blouse rides up as you walk and exposes your stomach, your blouse is too fucking small.  If you bend over and your blouse rides up exposing your back and your pants ride down exposing your ass crack, all your clothes are too fucking small.  If your button down blouse gapes in the middle and your bra and boobs are put on display, your shirt is too fucking small.  If you are unsure what the appropriate amount of coverage is, make sure you are covered from your chest to your knees and you’ll most likely be covered appropriately.

¨           Your bra straps and underwear should never be exposed in the work place.  Buy lower rise panties and a sweater to cover them up if you need to.

¨           Brown and black don’t fucking match.  Neither do brown and grey.  Don’t even try it.  Keep this in mind when pairing shoes with an ensemble.

¨           Your boobs should not spill out of the cups of your bras.  If they do, buy a bigger fucking bra.  There is no shame in a larger bra size, but there is shame in looking like a fucking retard that doesn’t know what bra size she should wear.

¨           If you are a make up wearing person, business make up is typically conservative.  You can have fun with your make up but if you look at all similar to a tranny-hooker, you’ve gone too far, tone it the fuck down.

Business formal

¨           Business formal wear should almost always be a suit.  It could be a skirt suit, pant suit or a dress with matching jacket. 

¨           Suits should typically not be mix and match, for example a grey suit should not be mixed with a black one, etc, so don’t try to mix things up by pairing black slacks with a grey suit jacket, it doesn’t fucking work. 

¨           Business formal does not include capri pants of any kind or a suit with short sleeves.  Formal business suits should have full length pants and sleeves every fucking time.

¨           Depending on the environment, pantyhose may be a requirement of business formal.  Again, as with formal wear, the only truly acceptable colors of pantyhose are black and nude.  There are situations where a patterned tight might be acceptable as well, but that is dependent on your work environment.  Keep in mind, when we say patterned tight, we don’t mean fucking argyle or something equally atrocious, we mean a small fishnet, or lace pattern.  These should typically be accompanied by a somewhat conservative skirt or dress, try not to take it too far. 

¨           We don’t give a shit how hot your office gets or how oppressive the humidity is outside, it is never acceptable to wear a see through blouse with a jacket, thinking the jacket will cover what it needs to. 

Business Casual

¨           Business casual can range from nice jeans to dress slacks.  It does not mean throwing on a faded or torn pair of jeans, a zip up hoodie, and sandals.  You still need to look presentable.  You never know when you’ll be called into the boss’s office for something.  Don’t assume you won’t see anyone important on any given day. 

¨           If business casual in your office means you can wear jeans, your jeans should be clean and unwrinkled.  They should never be torn anywhere, this includes no torn ratty hemline.  When wearing jeans, they must be paired with an appropriate top and foot wear.

¨           Appropriate tops include most blouses with a collar, or knit tops/sweaters.  Most tops with zippers are not appropriate, if the zipper is hidden in a seam or classically decorative (not motorcycle jacket style), it is probably acceptable.  T-shirts are not acceptable either, if you can wear it to the fucking gym, don’t wear it to work.

¨           If jeans are not permitted in your work place, business casual typically means a pair of dress slacks or docker type pants.  The same rules applicable to jeans should be observed with all other pants; pants should not be ratty looking and should be paired with an appropriate top and shoes.

¨           Cargo pants are not acceptable business casual attire. 

¨           Graphic Tees are not acceptable business casual attire.

¨           We understand when it is cold out, many like to wear hats or beanies to stay warm.  This is acceptable, as long as you remove the hat or beanie prior to beginning your work day.  This means you must comb your fucking hair and style it in some way that does not look like you just woke up, pulled clothes on and left.

Casual

Some of you may be surprised to learn there are rules that apply to casual attire.  If you spend any time outside of your house during your leisure hours, you should be dressing according to these rules.

¨           If you own clothing that looks like it belongs to one of those crazy people you’d see in those mass emails “The People of Walmart”, it is not acceptable clothing, ever.

¨           If you are larger than a size 8, spandex is not allowed on your body, ever.

¨           Fanny packs are not an acceptable replacement for a purse or wallet.

¨           Scrunchies should not be worn as it is not 1987.

¨           Clothes with words on the ass are not acceptable if you are over the age of 18.

¨           Socks should never be paired with sandals of any kind.  This includes Birkenstocks and those god-awful Teva sandals.

¨           You must always wear a bra when out of your home, even if you have small tits.  No one wants to see you running around with droopy boobs because your too fucking lazy to wear a bra, and when we say bra we don’t mean those that come built in to a tank top either, we mean a real fucking bra. 

¨           Even though it is casual dress, you clothes should still fit and should not expose those body parts that most consider “private”.

¨           Pajamas may only be worn out of your house in extreme circumstances, such as a deathly illness that requires a trip to the pharmacy or extreme hangovers from drinking multiple bottles of wine or 5 Long Island Ice Teas the night before.  In these situations you should avoid, if at all possible, pajamas with cartoon characters, or other childhood insignia.  Just in case you were wondering a bra is also required in these cases no matter your physical condition.