Life for Dummies
Stumpy and Panda’s Manual for Life
Preface
In our combined years of experience, my sister and I have seen all manner of epic life fails. We’ve decided this blog is a perfect opportunity to provide people with some guidance on how to be less of a fucking idiot. We will go into all manner of survival skills that we hope will help you when making those critical life decisions like “should I post something on my Facebook page about my baby shitting in the bath tub” (the answer to which is fuck no). There may be items in this manual that some would take offense to, however we don’t want this to be taken as horribly cruel or offensive in any way. All we want to do is attempt to make the world a better place for us to live in (by us I mean my sister and me). We don’t want to see dumb girls with their asses hanging out of their shorts. We don’t want to hear about your fucking babies shitting or laughing or living. We don’t want to feel sorry for your terrible case of the fucking Monday’s. We just want to live and only think of ourselves as much as possible. We feel this manual will help us to do that, and if it improves the world around us for others, that is a bonus. We hope you enjoy the wisdom provided in this manual and that it brings great peace and happiness to all your lives.
We will be publishing Life for Fucking Dummies: Stumpy and Panda’s Manual for Life chapter by chapter as it is quite lengthy and we don’t want your eyes to get too tired reading it, as it is all extremely vital information that you should read very carefully. If you feel we’ve missed something in a particular section, please feel free to comment letting us know your thoughts. However, don’t expect us to update the manual with your inconsequential dribble, because it is unlikely that we’ll agree with you. Happy reading…
Chapter 1: Appropriate Attire for Ladies
Section I: Formal Attire
We realize getting all dressed up in pretty gowns and fancy hairdos is fun for most ladies; however, formal attire is to be worn rarely. In fact the only appropriate occasion to wear formal wear is when you receive an invitation of any kind that states “Black Tie”.
¨ Formal wear does not mean you should run out and buy or repurpose an old prom dress. A dress that would be worn by an 18 year old to a prom is not an appropriate dress for an adult, ever. By adult, we mean someone not in high school.
¨ Should the gown you choose be a strapless gown or a halter top or have out of the ordinary straps of any kind, one should never resort to clear bra straps. Clear bra straps are never appropriate, regardless of age or size. The appropriate under garments must be included in your budget when purchasing a gown. Appropriate undergarments also include spanks or something similar. If the dress you select requires some sort of girdle contraption, it is not ok to “just not care” and wear it without one. If you don’t want to wear spanks, pick a different fucking dress.
¨ Displaying a bit of cleavage is acceptable. Please remember the following rule carefully however; if you have to tape your fucking tits to keep them in the dress, it is probably not acceptable formal wear. You should be able to wear standard undergarments and stay in your dress without fear of having a Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl moment. This isn’t funny or cute; it is inappropriate and fucking ridiculous.
¨ While we strongly recommend steering away from a formal pant suit, if you are uncomfortable in a gown, a pant suit may be considered. Please keep the following tip in mind when searching for your fancy pant suit: if your grandmother (or any grandmother for that matter) would wear it, you probably shouldn’t (no offense to any grandmothers reading the blog – you may wear your fancy pant suits with pride and we are sure you all look stunning).
¨ Looks from past decades should mostly be avoided as well. Of course we would accept a couture vintage gown, however, if it has shoulder pads or an over abundance of ruffles you should probably just donate it to the nearest homeless person.
¨ Short dresses aren’t typically considered formal wear, but there are the occasional exceptions. If you are one that prefers short dresses, please be sure to find one that fits. By fits, we mean one that passes the “bendover” test. What we mean is, if you bend over and your pubic hair and/or butt cheeks are put on display, your dress is too fucking short. A dress of this nature is not fit to be worn, not even by a homeless person, so my advice would be to try and get it down your garbage disposal, but any method of destroying the dress that makes it impossible for you to consider wearing it would be sufficient.
¨ A formal gown should never be made of jersey material. It should never be see through. It should not be made primarily of velvet, especially crushed velvet; however some decorative velvet touches might be ok. Most dresses with sequins are also not acceptable.
¨ Shoes are a critical piece of any formal ensemble. The shoes may be closed toed, peep toe, or strappy. Strappy does not mean shoes that flip or flop. Any shoes with laces are strictly forbidden, as well as boots of any kind. Please also avoid shoes that look like you might have worn them in 1998 to your high school graduation. Shoes with cork bottoms are typically not considered formal. Gladiator sandals are also not appropriate, as we do not live in Rome in the year 42 B.C.E. No matter what you think of yourself, you are not a fucking gladiator. Your name is not Spartacus. You do not jump into a ring and fight to the death while cheering fans scream your name and decide whether you deserve to live or die.
¨ When considering shoes, one should also consider whether they would like to wear pantyhose. Open toed shoes should never be worn with pantyhose, ever. This is an atrocity akin to water boarding and should be avoided. Today, pantyhose are not really a staple of a ladies wardrobe, and they don’t have to be. As they are fucking uncomfortable, this should make many women happy. In fact, despite the fact that Kate Middleton appears to be attempting to bring them back, panty hose are old fashioned and not necessary unless you live in a palace and eat dinner with a queen. If you insist on wearing them, please be sure to choose an appropriate color, which pretty much only includes nude or black. White pantyhose are fucking ugly and they look ridiculous, if you have any, throw them away. Navy and grey nylons are slightly more acceptable, but we encourage you to stick with nude and black when you are able. Keep in mind when we say nude, we don’t mean literally the color nude, we mean the color that most looks like your nude skin, in some cases that could be a beige or caramel color. This color should be personalized for each individual.
Section II: Semi-Formal or Cocktail Attire
Semi-formal or cocktail attire can be very versatile. It may be worn for fancy dinners, dates, and most weddings. Almost all the rules that applied to formal wear are relevant for semi-formal attire.
¨ It is still unacceptable to choose a dress a teenager might wear to a prom.
¨ It is still unacceptable to wear a dress that does not pass the “bendover” test.
¨ It is still unacceptable to wear pantyhose with open toed shoes or pantyhose of the wrong color. In fact, for semi-formal, we recommend skipping pantyhose altogether unless it is a necessity.
¨ Semi-formal dresses may be made of more casual material than a formal dress; however, if you select a dress made of jersey or some other less formal looking material, it should be properly lined and paired with great shoes and accessories to dress it up appropriately. This does not mean you can wear that bathing suit cover “that is such a great color on you” with a set of pearls and heels and call it done. If you can wear it to the pool, or the grocery store, or while working at a fucking car wash, it is not appropriate for anything but those tasks.
¨ If you have to ask your girl friends “does this dress make me look slutty”, it is probably unacceptable.
¨ If your outfit looks like something you would find on the show “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding”, it is probably unacceptable.
¨ If you’ve worn the dress before and been propositioned by a sleazy guy looking for a hooker, it is probably unacceptable.
This is only part of our first chapter. We will post sections on business attire as well as casual attire. Posting all this information at once would have been too much for the average person to process so it is better if we post sections at sporadic intervals so people have time to digest the information before being inundated with more!
Hilarious, yet so true!!
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