Our Loving Father

Along with my sister and me, our family consists of an older brother, an older sister, one mother and one father.  We also have a menagerie of household pets but that is information best left for another post.  Our other siblings and our parents have each had their share of strange, awkward, humorous and painful encounters, some of which we have all experienced together and some which belong to them alone.  We are going to go ahead and share their stories as well, because why not, they’re funny!

We’ll begin with our father.

Our father manages to get himself into some pretty tight spots on occasion.  In fact just recently he made an almost successful attempt at sinking our family boat.  Mind you, this boat is probably the biggest piece of shit boat you’ve ever seen and might be better off if it were to sink.  My mother likes to call it our “starter boat”, as it is the first water craft of any kind my family has ever owned.  My dad has been waiting for years to buy himself a boat.  He just LOVES to make big purchases, boats, cars, houses, ridiculous timeshares that are pretty much worthless.  I can’t count the number of times my dad came home with some outrageous and busted up old vehicle that was to be our new family car!  Anyway, you get the picture.  Last year my parents purchased what they promised would be their very last home.  It is a great little house just minutes from a lake where we have our very own boat slip.  My dad, feeling a great need to fill that slip went in search of that dream boat he always wanted.  What he ended up with fell somewhat short of all our expectations, but it was a boat and it would do…for now. 

This past 4^th of July, my entire family went out to the lake house together.  We were all looking forward to a weekend on the lake with our less than fancy family boat.  The first day at the lake we hooked the boat up, drove it down to the lake, and launched it into the water.  Keep in mind, we are still new to boating and boat launching is a serious skill that my father has only partially mastered.  However, he managed to back the truck in, unlatch the boat, and get it off the trailer with little problem.  My mom and sister jumped into the truck and drove it back up to the house.  My big sister and I waited on the dock for my mom my sister to return while my dad was getting things settled in the boat.  We were all chatting casually when all of a sudden my big sister noticed the back of the boat was slowing filling up with water!  My big sister motioned to the back of the boat and said:  “uh…dad…the boat is taking on water…”  Dad quickly turned around and became extremely agitated.  Turning back to us he yelled: “GO TELL YOUR MOTHER TO BRING THAT FUCKING TRAILER BACK”.  My big sister, highly sensitive to embarrassing moments, did not miss her opportunity to get the hell out of there.  She abruptly turned around and started walking out of the boat launch area towards home.  I stood there becoming more and more alarmed, watching as the boat continued to fill up with water.  We were actually going to sink our piece of shit boat right there in front of the boat launch.  My dad looked at me and asked me to find something to help bail the water out of the boat.  I thought to myself: “where the fuck am I going to find something to bail water out of a boat”.  I looked in my mother’s “boat crap” bag and found a water bottle filled with crystal light.  I grabbed it, dumped it, and handed it to my dad.  Remembering back, I realize how comical it was watching him try to bail gallons of water out of the boat with a tiny water bottle. 

A few minutes later another family climbed down the dock and jumped into their beautiful pontoon boat and began driving away.  As they passed us they asked if we were ok, my dad responded (in an uncharacteristically calm voice): “uh, it seems we’re taking on water”.  The family asked if there was anything they could do to help to which my dad replied “no, my wife is coming back with the trailer any minute”.  Hearing that, the other family drove off in their very pretty boat.  My dad continued his attempts to bail the water out of the boat with the tiny water bottle when all of a sudden something occurred to him.  He turned to me and said “Give me that fucking bag”.  I turned, grabbed my mom’s “boat crap” bag and handed it to him.  He started voicing some incoherent curses directed towards my mother and pulled something out of the bag.  He looked at me and said: “Your fucking mother forgot to put the damn plugs in the boat”.  I thought to myself, “plugs…what plugs.  I don’t think it was mom who forgot”.  He heaved himself over the side of the boat into the water, went under and managed to get the plugs in.  Just as he was hauling himself back into the boat, the family with the pretty boat comes back saying they couldn't leave us to sink.  They drove up to the dock; parked their boat and the dad of the family jumped out with a bucket in hand.  He got into our P.O.S. boat and began helping bail the water out.  By this time, my mother and sisters had made it back to the boat launch with the trailer in tow.  My mother began attempting to back the trailer onto the boat launch.  After about 6 attempts the dad from the other family jumped out and replaced my mother at the wheel of the truck.  He, with all of his years of boating experience,  backed the trailer right up with no problem.  They got the boat onto the trailer and drove it out of the water.  All the rest of the water still in the boat began to drain out in waves.   After a few minutes of fidgeting at the back of the boat my dad and the other dad determined that our boat, while still a piece of shit, was sound.  The other family jumped into their boat and drove away. 

Standing there we all began to realize the humor in what just happened, and started the inevitable jokes and laughter that typically follows one of my dad’s theatrical meltdowns.  We decide, what the hell, let’s put the boat back in, with the plugs this time.  We re-launched the boat, more successfully, and drove off, albeit slowly.  The funniest part of this whole story is that even though my parents have a slip all to themselves to park our boat in, they are too afraid to leave the boat in the water unattended, as it may sink.  We always thought this was a completely ridiculous fear…until the day dad forgot to put the plugs in and the boat almost did sink.