Tuesday, September 27, 2011

When Animals Attack: Part I

Growing up, our family had an assorted menagerie of pets.  Of course, most of them were the typical domestic pets, like cats and dogs, guinea pigs, hamsters, even hermit crabs for a brief time. We also had a selection of what most consider “farm animals”, such as horses, chickens, goats; we even had a cow.  During our formative years, my family lived in a relatively rural area where this sort of mini “farm” was acceptable.  Because of this upbringing, we have a vast variety of pet related stories that we find extremely humorous.  We plan to tell as many of these pet stories in blogs to come.  For this blog, we’d like to focus our stories on a particularly unique cat named Barney. 

While still in elementary school, my sisters and I decided it was a good idea to procure two baby kittens from a friend at school without first informing our parents (a story for another blog).  We ended up only keeping one of the kittens and named him Barney. 
When Barney was a young cat, I decided it was a good idea to bring him down to a friend’s house, she lived right down the street and I thought it would be a great opportunity to train Barney to walk on a leash like a dog (this did not work out by the way).  My friend’s brothers had two large Rottweilers, but my friend also had cats which got along with the dogs with no problem, so I felt safe bringing Barney by. 
As it turns out, it was not safe, it was probably one of the worst ideas I’ve ever had.  One of the dogs got wind of the new cat and attacked.  The dog managed to get a hold of the cat’s tail while I still had his leash in hand.  We both began tugging in opposite directions, me tugging his leash, trying to free Barney from the dog, and the dog tugging his tail trying to eat the cat.  To this day I am amazed we managed to get the cat home in one piece. 
My friend’s dad came out and began beating the crazed dog with a pole.  When the pole broke, he began using his hand, which he also broke.
 
At some point, my friend’s cat came charging up and leaped on the dogs head, claws out. 
This startled the dog enough to open his mouth and free our cat at which point, I grabbed the cat and ran home.  My brother and I cleaned the cat up, and were shocked to find he only had a small wound on his tail, but was fine otherwise.
Needless to say, Barney was never quite the same cat.  He was antisocial and didn’t enjoy being overly touched, especially around his rear end/tail region.  He made a habit of randomly attacking other animals and people.  He got in so many fights he looked like a street cat with his ears all cut up.  One morning we were all enjoying a bowl of cereal and weekend cartoons when all of a sudden Barney leaped onto my sisters back and sunk his claws in.  My sister began frantically thrashing about trying to get the cat off of her. 


This was extremely amusing to those of us witnessing the crazed cat attack, but of course, my sister did not find it funny.  She eventually recovered, but this is just one example of Barney’s strange behavior.

Barney spent most of his younger days outdoors while we lived on our “mini-farm”.  When we were 9 and 11 years old, my family moved to a new house, which was located in more of a typical suburban neighborhood.  Surprisingly, this new house had a serious problem with coyotes, so we were more reluctant to let our pets run wild outdoors.  We did let them out for brief periods of time, but not enough to suit Barney.  He spent most days sitting on a window sill, despondently looking outside.  Other cats in the neighborhood would come by the window and sort of taunt Barney, and he’d respond to their taunting by growling and hissing loudly, and Barney had a growl like no other cat you’ve ever met! 
One evening my dad, sick of listening to Barney carry on like a cat being tortured, opened the door and let him out.  Some time later that night, my dad began hearing cats fighting right out in front of the house.  My dad went out front to see what all the commotion was about and realized it was Barney fighting in the street.
My dad became concerned for Barney’s safety and attempted to break up the cat fight by reaching down and grabbing Barney by the scruff of his neck.  In a crazy acrobatic move, Barney twisted his body around and latched onto my dad’s arm, claws extended.  My dad began swinging his arm about trying to get the cat to let go.  When it seemed as if the cat would never let go, my dad bumped his arm against our car, stunning the cat long enough to let go and run off. 
My dad was bloody from wrist to elbow and dripped blood all over the front driveway, which we noticed the next morning on our way to school.  The next evening, my dad came home and his arm was red, scratched up, and swollen. My mom was concerned by its appearance and drew a line on my dad’s arm where the swelling and redness stopped in order to monitor whether or not it got worse, which it did.
Turns out, my dad’s attempt to rescue Barney resulted in blood poisoning.  A few weeks of antibiotics and he was good as new, but my dad never did quite trust that cat ever again.

We have many more animal attack stories as well as a variety of other funny pet stories.  We hope to share them with you in future blogs.  We hope you’ve enjoyed this illustrated blog and we hope to bring more pictorials to you.  Until next time…

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Awesome Transportation Destroyer Vessel

Stumpy: It smells like fucking urine in my office all of a sudden.  I think someone pissed outside my cube.
Panda: hahaha.  It was probably Karla.
Stumpy: ugh.  I hope Karla's piss isn't outside my cube.  That shit is probably deadly.
Panda:  hahaha.  That would be the worst thing that could ever happen
Stumpy: ya, it would.
Panda:  well aside from Karla piss on your person
Stumpy: OMG.  I just threw up in my mouth, and not a little, a lot. 
Panda:  haha.  Did you swallow it back?
Stumpy: uh ya.  I don’t want puke on my desk.
Panda:  haha.
Stumpy: it is bad enough i have Karla piss outside my cube.
Panda:  you should have puked outside Karla's cube.
Stumpy: i don’t think i would have made it.
Panda:  dude...side note...i would like a fast missile craft.  Get me one.  I think it could be fun.
Stumpy:  uh, ok.  What are you going to use it for?
Panda:  fast missil'ing in a craft.  What else would I use it for?
Stumpy:  I’m not sure i understand.  Is it a craft that shoots fast missiles?
Panda:  Uhhh...what isn't to understand?
Stumpy:  or is it a missile that is a fast craft?
Panda:  it is a fast craft that fastly shoots fast missiles
Stumpy:  ok.  Got it
Panda:  get me one
Stumpy:  totally, we should get one
Panda:  I would ride around in it all the time, shooting missiles
Stumpy:  are they on Amazon, or...?
Panda:  Amazon probably has them
Stumpy:  is it a water craft.  Or land?  Or water/land?
Panda:  a water craft.  But i would put wheels on it
Stumpy:  I’d like one that was water and land.  Ya.  Like a fucking tank
Panda:  ya.  But also a boat
Stumpy:  a tank boat
Stumpy:  that shoots fast missiles
Panda:  revision: i would like a fast missile tank boat
Stumpy:  craft.  Fast missile tank boat craft
Panda:  tank craft.  Got it.  Like it.  Google it.
Stumpy:  cool.  Let’s get one.  I’m totally all for it.  Do you know how handy that will be during the next snow storm?
Panda:  i bet it has pretty good reviews.  It would be nice if it could hover.  Like a hover craft
Stumpy:  a fast missile hover boat tank craft
Panda:  YES.  OMFG.  SO AWESOME
Stumpy:  and it should totally fly like a fucking jet.  A fast missile hover boat tank jet craft
Panda:  we could destroy all sorts of annoying shit. Talk about the party mobile!
Stumpy:  ya.  Fast missile hover boat tank jet party bus craft.
Panda:  I should probably apply for a patent ASAP.
Stumpy:  totally.  Do it.  Now.  And then invent it. 
Panda:  I think we could get a few different types of things off the internet and then combine them to make this rad-ness
Stumpy:  yes.  Why the fuck did you become a lawyer.  You should've been a fucking engineer
Panda:  because i needed to learn about the fast missile craft
Stumpy:  an engineer of the raddest shit on earth
Panda:  I can do that too.  Because I am fucking rad
Stumpy:  ok. So do that.  Let me know when you're finished.
Panda:  I will probably need some funds to get this project rolling
Stumpy:  fuck.  Maybe we can get some of that $16 per muffin money the DOJ just throws around
Panda:  maybe i can start a "donate to my fast missile-hover-boat-tank-jet-party bus-craft fund"
Stumpy:  ya
Panda:  we can call it the FMHBTJPBC
Stumpy:  hmmm...maybe we need a more condensed name?  Maybe something like: "Raddest fucking thing ever craft".  The RFTEC
Panda:  how about "awesome transportation destroyer vessel"
Stumpy:  YES
Panda:  and a marketing slogan can be: "great for boating, driving, hovering, flying, partying and BLOWING SHIT UP"
Stumpy:  fucking radical

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Holy Mother...

Our mother is typically well mannered and polite; however there are those rare occasions where my sister and I see exactly where pieces of our personality stem from.  We’d like to take today’s blog to introduce this "quirkier" side of our mother.

While still in college, my parents purchased a small two bedroom condo where I lived during the last few years of school.  Our mother lived with me for a short time after our father had been relocated for his job.  They commuted back and forth between the two cities on the weekends until my mother found a new job and relocated with our dad.  During these years, my sister was going to school up north.  This was a rare period of both our lives when we saw very little of each other.  During this time, my life proved to be rather challenging and confusing, which led me to believe it was critical my family and I return to church.  As young children, my parents took us all to church for years.  As we grew up and our lives became busier, church became a smaller priority and we stopped attending regularly.

During college, when I was a crazy & confused 20 year old, my parents helped me find a church near where I was going to school and we began attending, just me and my parents.  The priest at the church was a very nice man who liked to become involved in the lives of his “flock”.  One day after church, he approached us and requested an opportunity to come by and meet the rest of the family.  My parents agreed and the date was decided.  As the date got closer, my mother requested the assistance of my brother, who has many years of experience in catering and event planning, in preparing a light brunch.  My brother agreed and put together a lovely menu.  Additionally, my mother made it very clear to us that she did not want her children to embarrass her in front of the priest; dirty language and fighting amongst ourselves (which was pretty typical behavior for the four of us) would not be tolerated.  These types of lectures are typical of my mother, but they generally have very little effect on our behavior.

With our recent lecture at the front of our minds, we all gathered at the small condo where my mother and I lived, and waited for the priest to arrive.  Upon his arrival, my mother invited him in, introduced him to the rest of her children.  We all gathered around the table and began filling plates with the lovely buffet style brunch my brother and mother had put together.  After filling up on pasta salad, frittata, and coffee, we sat around the living room talking with the priest, answering his questions about ourselves.  When the conversation turned to my brother’s life, he began answering the priest’s questions in his usual flamboyant manner.  It might surprise you to know that my brother (at least back then) had a worse potty mouth then my sister and I combined.  Knowing that, we are sure you can guess what happened next.  Even after the "lecturing" and stern looks, my brother let loose the “F” word in his conversation with the priest.  To be honest, we can’t even remember what he was talking about, some nonsense probably, as that is typical of our brother.  Nonsense where the use of the word fuck probably had no real place, but being our father’s children, we find use for the word more often then most.  After realizing what he had done, my brother slapped his hand across his mouth and looked with wide eyed alarm at my mother.  As we stated earlier, my mother is typically well mannered and polite, however she has a potty mouth of her own at moments.  These moments are few and far between and are usually reserved for times when a priest is not sitting in her living room, but apparently not on that day (however, as this is the only time in recent memory that a priest has been sitting in her living room that is really more of an assumption than a fact).  My mother’s face turned red and she looked at our brother with a shocked expression and blurted “JESUS CHRIST” followed by some shocked stuttering.  This was not the “Jesus Christ” one utters during prayer; it was a straight up, old fashioned curse.  In unison we all turned to her with a look that clearly said “mom, that didn’t make it better!!”  Conversation stalled for a few brief moments before the priest laughed a bit uncomfortably and muttered something about being used to some inappropriate language, being a chaplain of a fire house.  While we refrained from using any further inappropriate language for the rest of the visit, we could tell the priest had had enough of us.  The rest of the visit was somewhat tense and uncomfortable and when the priest made to leave, we were all pretty relieved to be rid of him.  As is typical of my family, we had quite a laugh reliving my mothers slip up after the priest had left and to this day the use of “Jesus Christ” as a curse makes us all chuckle a little.